How to destroy a comic book movie

Pretty badass poster, right? I judged the movie by its poster, to my detriment.

I feel like a complete fool having ever been convinced that Marvel would be able to churn out another faithful and enjoyable comic book movie with X-Men Origins: Wolverine. I mean, I’m embarrassed that I didn’t see it coming. When Hugh Jackman was the surprise guest at Comic-Con 2008, having flown all the way from Australia just to show a roomful of geeks footage of his new Wolverine flick, I was ecstatic. I thought, here we’d finally get a decent Sabretooth story (and the Liev Schreiber casting was pretty clever, and probably the only good decision made in this movie), and then we’d finally be able to see one of the most beloved comic book characters of all time, Gambit a.k.a. Remy LeBeau.

I was in the theater watching X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and I felt like I was going to have a seizure. Not only was it packed with sentimental fluff, but the little action that was in the movie was just choreographed bullshit. The film attempted to tell Wolverine’s origin story, but it failed from the get-go. It wasn’t faithful to the actual comic book story, and they took tremendous liberties with the characters that should be considered a crime. The movie got a C+ from most critics, but I feel like that is way too generous for a movie failure of epic proportions.

The first ten minutes of Origins was cool. Flashy superhero antics featuring the always delightful Deadpool [played by Ryan Reynolds], slo-mo history scenes of Jimmy/Logan growing up with Victor and both of them going off to fight wars. It was all good for the first ten minutes. I even like Danny Huston as a young William Stryker. But then they went into the romance story between Silverfox and Wolverine, and it only went downhill from there. Not only was the romance poorly constructed, the audience didn’t really have enough time to empathize with their relationship. The two characters just appeared to be thrust at each other and the audience was just supposed to accept it as an epic love story. And then the mindless killing starts when ex-members of the unit Stryker led in Africa start getting murdered. There really is no reason for this, and it’s funny how the movie barrels along regardless of how lame the plot is.

Liev Schreiber was the only convincing person in the movie. He played his role very well, and he was the best Sabretooth that we comic book fans would probably ever have. Unfortunately, a good actor can only do so much with poor direction and a horrible script. Schreiber’s great acting wasn’t enough to hold up the entire film. Hugh Jackman, as per usual, was charming and extremely hot without his shirt on (and at one point, actually buck naked, but I think that may have been a body double – ah well, a girl can dream), but alas, he wasn’t any good either. Yes, we’ve gotten used to him living in Wolverine’s skin for what – four years now? So he is Wolverine. The problem is, there was no depth to his character. He seemed like a bumbling bonehead, and even though the revenge angle was pseudo-workable, the writing was just absolutely terrible.

I was actually excited to finally see Dominic Monaghan doing something after his character, Charlie, got killed off on Lost, and when I heard he was going to be in Origins, I was enthused. Sadly, though, Monaghan was probably in the movie for a total of 5 minutes. It was actually kind of pathetic. Monaghan had stated in an interview right before he left Lost that he wanted to do other things, and he was thankful to Lost for getting his face out there and giving him exposure, but now he had wanted to do more than that and do movies, etc. Little did we know that he was only good enough for something like a five minute cameo of a character who has absolutely no endearing qualities and a pretty stupid way of activating his powers, actually.

Which brings me to Gambit. Gambit was the most anticipated appearance in the entire movie. I had heard that Taylor Kitsch [Friday Night Lights] was picked to play the part, and this was cool because he definitely looks the part of the flirtatious Cajun bad boy. However, Kitsch’s Gambit was lukewarm, clumsy and unimportant. The movie could have gone on without him, and frankly, the only reason I can think of why Gambit was inserted into the movie was for show. He wasn’t relevant; the scenes he was in were terrible and ridiculously shot. The fight scenes were abysmal. So in short: the long-awaited premiere of Gambit was a major let-down.

Ryan Reynolds, who played Deadpool, was one of the best in the movie, but alas, the way the writers completely butchered his character is beyond forgivable. Deadpool is one of the most endearing charactes in comic book history, mostly because of his talkative nature and his skill with weapons. They were able to demonstrate these endearing qualities early on in the movie, which pretty much constituted those ten minutes of bearable fluff I was talking about in the beginning of the film. However, the movie eventually reveals that Stryker was working on a program called Weapon XI (don’t even get me started on that one) and that he had made Deadpool the new Weapon XI – a super mutant with powers from different characters. They even brought in a young Scott Summers to take his powers! I’m telling you, what the writers did to Deadpool was absolutely fucked up. Quite possibly the most fucked up thing you could do to a comic book character, actually, which is why it can only boggle the mind why the hell Marvel would ever give their blessing for something as absurd as Deadpool being a supermutant who can have his head hacked off and yet survive.

I bet you Bryan Singer is as pissed off as I am. Anyway, X-Men Origins was a complete waste of time and money. The acting was so horribly cheesy, almost bordering on telenovella-esque, and the writing was downright abusive towards the characters. There was really nothing good about this movie at all, except for a few naked Hugh Jackman scenes that particularly interested those in the audience who were of the female persuasion. I give this movie an F. I would never see it again. Why? I’m not a masochist.