It should be a criminal offense…

…to adapt a classical work of literature and serve it up being absolutely short of excellent. Needless to say, this was what happened in Prince Caspian.

So I’m writing to express my utter disappointment in the newest Narnia film: Prince Caspian. When I saw the trailer a year ago at San Diego’s Comic-Con International, I was filled with excitement and anticipation at seeing another one of my favorite books come to life on the big-screen. I was excited when Andrew Adamson, the director, said he would be taking a darker approach to the story, because Prince Caspian is indeed a much darker tale compared to The Magician’s Nephew or The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Now, Prince Caspian has never been my favorite book in the series, but I always enjoyed reading it. So it was no question how excited I was for the movie.

Fast forward a year later in May and I have finally seen the movie after a long and agonizing wait, and I have to say, I’ve only ever walked out on a movie once before, and that movie was The Brothers Grimm, but only because it was so boring I didn’t feel like sitting through the whole thing. I never thought I would say this regarding a Narnia movie, but I felt like I was betrayed. I felt like someone had promised me something spectacular, and I got something completely and utterly unlike what I had expected, and what I had deserved.

The thing with adapting classic books onto the big screen is that you usually have no license to go about changing things. In essence, you already have your brilliant script. As a film crew, your task is to translate the story onto the screen, and only modify scenes as necessary for the characters and the story to develop. Basically, you’re tweaking an already well-written script to make sure audience members who are not fans of the book can follow. Usually sequence is not a big restriction–you are usually welcome to change the ordering of scenes as you like. But where you are restricted as a filmmaker is in the translation of the story–your understanding of the characters’ motives and personalities, and your interpretation of the spirit of the story–that’s almost set in stone.

Prince Caspian did nothing of the sort. Andrew Adamson had professed that he was a fan of the books, fan enough to try and give it justice on the big screen. He did nothing of the sort. To me, he did not translate the book onto the screen–he created his own story, and merely slapped the name Narnia in front of it. The film barely resembled the book. The gist was there–Prince Caspian flees his murderous uncle, King Miraz, and enlists the help of the Old Narnians to reclaim his throne. In the heat of this battle, he is forced to blow Susan’s magic horn and summons the Pevensie children back to Narnia to help him. The film delivers on the gist, all right, but it misses the mark on everything else. Not only did the script writers take extreme liberties in inserting totally new scenes that completely altered the meaning of the story, but they also underscored some of the major characters, who I had expected to play bigger roles in the film.

I would like to enumerate the mistakes:

First off, they did not tell the history of Prince Caspian. I felt this was an important part of the story, because how are we supposed to sympathize with a boy if we barely know his character? I thought the relationship between Caspian and Dr. Cornelius was something essential to understanding Caspian’s character, and yet it was almost nonexistent in the film. Without giving us Prince Caspian’s childhood, there was no sense of rapport established between the audience and Prince Caspian. We just knew he was trying to avoid getting killed, which is hardly anything special. I also thought the use of “Professor” by Caspian in addressing Dr. Cornelius was stupid. This is not Harry Potter, and you should know better, Andrew Adamson, than to let this slip by. The title of “Professor” has no place in Narnia–it is uncharacteristic.

Another thing that bothered me was the accent. They had made Prince Caspian and the rest of the Telmarines speak with an accent reminiscent of Inigo Montoya of The Princess Bride. I thought this was silly and it all seemed forced. Yes, the Telmarines were a different race from the Old Narnians, sure, but they were human, and I don’t see why there was a need to give them Spanish-sounding accents. I felt it was absolutely unnecessary and it took away the seriousness of the story and seemed like a burden on Prince Caspian himself. If they wanted to convey that they were different, they could have done it by character and not by forcing the use of accents on their actors. It was absolutely laughable and excruciating to watch.

The scene at Cair Paravel was immensely lacking as well. The children should have been more puzzled, more disturbed and more time should have been devoted to their realization that the castle they once presided in as kings and queens of Narnia was reduced to a pile of ruins. That way, it would have established that sense of wonderment and need in the audience to know what the hell was going on.

Third, Susan’s horn. It was a vital part of the story, and yet it was severely underscored in the film. Not only was its importance not showcased properly, it was also used differently than in the book. In the film, Prince Caspian uses the horn after he hits his head on a tree trunk and in an attempt to defend himself from Trumpkin of all people (once again, a scene not in the book). This is a grave error, because it once again misrepresents one of the main parts of the book. Susan’s horn was only meant to be blown in grave circumstances. And yet in the film Prince Caspian blows the horn only to save himself–not to save his army, as in the book. It made Caspian out to be a selfish person, and made the horn out to be less magical and less important than it really was. Also, the use of Trumpkin as some sort of villain completely goes against what his character was intended to be. He and Trufflehunter were both trying to help Caspian, not attack him. Sure, Trumpkin was probably less trusting of Caspian than Trufflehunter, but he did not attempt to attack him in the book, and to make this so in the film is confusing and takes away from the sense of urgency in Caspian’s blowing the horn at the most extreme time of need.

The Pevensie children gaze in awe at the scenery around them as Trumpkin leads them through a drastically changed Narnia.

I also didn’t like how underscored Trumpkin was in the film. In the book, Trumpkin and Trufflehunter are one of the defenders of Prince Caspian, because they know he is well-intentioned, but Trumpkin remains to be a little wary of him because he’s a Telmarine. Instead, Trumpkin was never shown to interact with Caspian, except to actually attempt to attack him (which was not in the book, and I’m assuming was dreamt up by the writers for what reason I don’t know). It was uncharacteristic of Trumpkin. Next, there wasn’t enough of Trumpkin doubting whether Aslan existed, and whether he was really in the presence of the kings and queens of Narnia. I felt like this was another important part of the book that the writers missed.

Fourth, Prince Caspian himself. A few things: So I already talked about how his accent was unnecessary and bothersome, and how his premature blowing of the horn seemed to communicate a selfish Caspian rather than a Caspian looking out for the good of his army of Old Narnians. Another thing that bothered me is that Caspian was also made out to be less fit than he really was to be King of Narnia. In the book, it was written that he was well-learned in various things: archery, swordfighting, hunting, academia–in the film there is none of that. We have no way of relating as to how this boy can simply become King of Narnia only because it’s his birthright. It also made it seem like he was only imploring the Old Narnians for aid because it was his birthright to be King. Caspian never wanted to be King. In the book, the only reason Caspian feels like he needs to fight Miraz is because he sees the beauty of Old Narnia–its creatures, its dense forests full of magic, its history…Caspian as a child was always fascinated with Old Narnia, and to find out that his people (the Telmarines) were responsible for the decay of Narnia, to him was simply heartbreaking. He vows to protect the Old Narnians and restore Narnia to what it used to be. In the film, there is none of that. It only seems like Caspian wants to get the throne for himself, because of his birthright–a mistake that greatly affects viewers’ perception of Caspian.

Another thing the film made up that was not in the book was a rivalry between Prince Caspian and Peter. There was no such rivalry, and there’s a completely good reason why. Caspian was never a proud boy. He was always in awe of Narnia and how it used to be in the olden days. He was always fascinated by the stories of the kings and queens of Narnia. To have him challenge Peter is unbecoming of his character and it paints him to be a childish and proud person, not the humble, well-intentioned Caspian that C.S. Lewis painted him to be in the books. His character was underscored in the film because he was supposed to be in charge of the whole army before Peter comes along. His bravery spurred on the rest of the Old Narnians, until of course the very end, where we see Nikabrik plot to resurrect the White Witch, which then leads to the Pevensie children’s appearances. Instead, they make the Pevensie children responsible for the army’s choices in the film, something I felt totally changed the story. I really disliked Peter in the film, which is a lot to say because in the book, I admired Peter for being able to work cooperatively with Prince Caspian, even though he had been High King long ago. Instead, I saw Peter asserting his power and authority on Caspian, something I am absolutely certain C.S. Lewis did not intend in his writing.

Fifth, King Miraz and the Telmarines. They were well-cast, I will give them that. But once again, I detest how they were given accents, and I detest that their roles in the film were tragically altered. For instance, there were all these unnecessary and made-up scenes about Miraz pretending that Caspian was “abducted”. This is so stupid, because once again, it showed how much liberty the writers took with the book. Miraz was a cold-blooded usurper, simple as that. When it no longer became convenient for him to have Caspian around, he intended to dispose of him. They did not show that in the film. By not doing this, it did away with the sense of urgency in having Caspian flee from him. As for Miraz’s right hand men Glozelle and Prosepius (sp?), they were the better part of the film. Their betrayal was shown in the film, but there was also this strange fabrication by the writers to make Glozelle seem like he was a good character, rather than the haughty, power-hungry man that he was in the books. In the end, they make Glozelle one of the people to step through the portal back to the human world. Instead of the one who really betrays King Miraz.

One of my favorite characters from the Narnia series, the fearless Reepicheep!

Another thing that angered me, sixth, was the portrayal of the Old Narnians. I loved the part in the book when Prince Caspian goes around the forest collecting friends and allies in his battle. I loved meeting the bears, the squirrel Pattertwig, and of course, Reepicheep and the rest of the gang. However, there was none of this. What they did in the film was to have Caspian presented amid a throng of angry Old Narnians and then yelled at and jeered at like he was a fiend. It was wrong. It was a wrong scene because it painted the Old Narnians out to be unreasonable and jeering, not the friendly, lighthearted Narnians we know and love, that the book depicted. I felt that the importance of the ally-collecting scene with Caspian in the book is that it gave him the opportunity to interact with various creatures in Old Narnia, and to establish a rapport with them, so that they would feel like he was indeed their king and that he would fight for them. However, it just seemed like the Narnians were fighting to give Caspian his throne back and nothing else. It was a stupid scene, and I abhor it. I dislike that they ignored the giant’s role in the film, and the bears.

The Pevensie children were a huge disappointment for me. For me, this was Peter and Edmund’s time to shine. Edmund has a new personality in the book, because he knows better after being under the wiles of the White Witch. He knows to trust Lucy, because she was right before. Peter also is supposed to shine in the film because he was once again able to summon the courage of High King Peter and rally the Old Narnians behind him for Caspian. Instead, they were portrayed like ugly, irritable children. Peter was painted as a proud and stubborn leader–someone who would say it’s his way or the highway. He wasn’t supposed to be like that at all. The film painted Peter as someone who kept trying to shove his royalty down the Narnians’ throat, and he was absolutely not like that.

Susan takes aim at foes amid flight during a siege on King Miraz's castle that was never in the book.

Edmund, on the other hand, was good in the film–however, I felt he wasn’t given the credit he properly deserved. Edmund has a newfound wisdom that he seemed to lack in the earlier book. He is now much more mature and much more capable. Instead, we see yet another shadow of Peter. He was supposed to shine in the film, just as he did in The Lion, the Witch and Wardrobe. However, this was not so. Another thing that angered me was yet again another fabrication: Prince Caspian and Susan having some kind of romantic connection. First of all, it’s a good idea, but one that I felt they could have done away with and focused instead on the essential parts of the film. Instead, they added it in as some kind of afterthought. It seemed contrived, and to me it felt like Prince Caspian only snuggling up to Susan because she was a Queen. There was no back story at all–it just popped out of nowhere, much like the rest of the fabricated scenes in the film. Also, I think this is hilarious: Andrew Adamson probably responded to the criticism from The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe of Susan not showing off her bow and arrow skills all that much. His response? Let’s overdo it! Have her shoot at anything that moves! It wasn’t as big of a deal as the film’s other crimes, but I felt like once again, this was something that distracted away from really delivering the story properly.

A scene that particularly angered me in the film was the totally fabricated scene that the writers made: Peter forces the army to stage a siege on King Miraz’s castle–something once again, not in the book and completely fabricated, and I don’t know why they did it, except perhaps to show off the special effects. This siege to me was extremely out of character for Peter, because it paints him to be an inexperienced king and a megalomaniac. He wasn’t. When he was High King, he and Edmund shared battle victories that C.S. Lewis made a point to mention in the book. The reason he mentioned it was to establish the kings and queens of Narnia as people who worked to get the esteem and glory they deserved. Instead, we have a different Peter, one who is bossy, arrogant and foolish. The siege is a disastrous part of the film because it is a radical departure in what Lewis intended, and it was a long scene, too, which could have been devoted to other things. In the scene, they show Caspian going into Miraz’s bedroom and wanting to kill him. This is WRONG and out of character. It angered me so much I wanted to vomit.

Another thing that upset me immensely was the escape from the siege. In it we are shown the offensive y the Old Narnians going disastrously awry and they have to retreat. The gate starts to close, Peter and the others escape but they leave behind some Old Narnians, who are trapped behind the gate and end up being slaughtered. To me, this was the most scandalous and gut-wrenching mistake that the writers made. It made out Peter and the Pevensies to be cold-hearted and stupid. Peter would never leave Narnian creatures to die like that, and he would have never suggested such a risky maneuver in the first place, because he as never one to consider risking lives okay. This decision sealed the deal for me that this movie was beyond salvation.

The Pevensie children are transported from the train station to a changed Narnia. From left to right: Skandar Keynes (Edmund), William Moseley (Peter), Anna Popplewell (Susan) and Georgie Henley (Lucy).

Ben Barnes wields the sword of Prince Caspian

Last but not least, their interpretation of Aslan. Aslan was absent in the books for a reason. They did not convey this reason accurately in the film. The message that C.S. Lewis was trying to say with the book went largely missing in the film. Here, the religious undertones resurface, but perhaps that is why the writers completely avoided Aslan in the film, to avoid backlash from oh, atheists who feel like there had been too many Jesus references in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. The reason Aslan was absent was because Narnia was no longer the place he had known. It was rife with evil from the Telmarines; once talking animals were now reduced to dumb creatures that devoured anything that moved. When the Pevensie children came, the reason Lucy was the only one who was able to see him was because she was the only one who truly believed he would come. It was a question of faith; Susan and Peter did not see Aslan because they were grown-up, and believed that to accomplish something, they had to rely on what they know is absolutely certain, and they had begun to doubt Aslan.

Here’s what I feel the overall story was in the book and should have been in the film: Prince Caspian was raised in a world of lies fed to him by his uncle, King Miraz. When Miraz attempts to kill him, he is forced to flee for his life. He discovers on his own that there is a world out there that exists and that Miraz had told him it was dead. He encounters the Old Narnians, who befriend him instead of demonize him. At first they are suspicious, but after he proves himself worthy, they befriend him. After listening to the Old Narnians, Caspian feels that Miraz and the Telmarines are committing a grievous thing by trying to erase Old Narnia. He is empowered and he feels like he needs to fight for them. He doesn’t want to be king, he just wants to protect Old Narnia. Old Narnians suggest that they should do battle to reclaim what’s theirs, and Caspian vows to do aid them because he loves Old Narnia and wants to defend it, not because he wants to ascend to the throne. In the midst of battle, due to harsh circumstances, Caspian is forced to call for help by sounding out Susan’s horn. The Pevensie children are summoned. They trek through unrecognizable land to find Caspian in order to aid him. However, they are puzzled as to why Aslan has not shown himself, as he had before. They are confused, afraid and unsure of themselves. However, when they learn that Narnia has been invaded by the Telmarines, and that their beloved friends have been subject to such hideous experiences, they vow to help Caspian to restore the Old Narnia. There is no power struggle between Caspian and Peter. Peter lends his help to Caspian as best he can, and Caspian feels nothing but reverence of a High King of Narnia who seems to be the same age as him but has achieved so much. The Narnians claim victory against the Telmarines, but only because they have a strong desire to restore Narnia to the beauty it once was. They are brought together not by the desire to crown Caspian, but to give the magical world back to the creatures who it belongs to. In the end, the reason Caspian is acknowledged by Aslan as a true king of Narnia is because he really does have a love of its creatures, and he has no desire to rule them, but simply to lead and protect them.

The spirit of Prince Caspian is one of love for the earth and all its creatures, cooperation and faith. There are themes of brotherhood, friendship, understanding and a desire to break through tyranny and restore peace. There’s nothing of the sort in the film, which is why I came out of the theater horrified and devastated.

In summation, I felt that the writers and the director took some extreme liberties with the film. They did not understand the characters properly, and they inserted scenes that were unimportant as well as destructive to the spirit of what C.S. Lewis intended of Narnia. I felt that the movie only served the purpose of blockbustering, and that it seemed like a totally different story, with simply the Narnia name slapped onto it. It was barely recognizable, indeed, and I felt betrayed. It’s the feeling one would get when someone, for instance, adapts The Catcher in the Rye, and it turns out be a movie like Mean Girls or something. It’s the same feeling one would get if say, The Lord of the Rings was horribly made by Peter Jackson. Only, Peter Jackson executed The Lord of the Rings perfectly. He understood The Lord of the Rings just like a real fan would, and he made sure that he did it justice. Andrew Adamson and his pathetic crew did nothing of the sort. They simply made a fan fiction version of the book and put in special effects and employed WETA work shop just to generate revenue. It was not the Narnia we fans know and love, and it is an unforgivably made film that I will never watch ever again.

I feel a huge sense of loss and devastation. Like I mentioned earlier, someone has defiled one of the best works of literature in history. It should not have been allowed, and it should not be tolerated. Unfortunately, the box office tells otherwise. Because the film will gross big at the box office, people will see this as a success, and people will forget that C.S. Lewis’ masterpiece had nothing to do with that film. I am angry and I feel cheated. Andrew Adamson, I hope you never make another Narnia film again.

So there.

The end is here

At a minute to midnight on July 20, 2007, people were screaming at me from the other side of the cash register. They weren’t screaming at me because I had neglected to assist them with their purchases. They were screaming at me because I was the person who had the very first copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows that was to be released at the stroke of midnight.

A guy in a Death Eater mask was staring me down, as if he intended to put the Imperius curse on me so I would give him the book early. But, not wanting to be sued by the billionaire J.K. Rowling for accidentally giving away the last book in the Potter series thirty seconds earlier than the rest of the world, I stood my ground and instead, resorted to fumbling with my pink, lightning-bolt-design tie. And then it came down to it. TEN! NINE! EIGHT! SEVEN! (Wow, these people sure know how to count backwards!) SIX! FIVE! FOUR! (The guy who was the first in line, customer number one, the one who was going to buy the very first copy of book seven, was shaking his hands in excitement and grinning like a bobcat preparing to pounce on an unsuspecting victim) THREE! TWO! ONE!

Chaos ensued.

My ears were ringing as the mob of about a a thousand people cheered, whistled, yelled and shrieked when the clock indicated the midnight hour had finally arrived.

“Oh my God!” Customer number one exclaimed as he flew to my register, throwing down his twenty-three dollars on the counter, his eyes gleaming manically.

I took out the book and set it down on the counter. Everybody screamed. “Oh my God! It’s really here!” Customer number one screeched. “Whooooooooo!” He raised his arms and faced the crowd, Rocky-style, as if he had just won a million dollars.

“How are you?” I asked him stupidly, as I rang up the purchase.

“Omigod! OH! MY! GOD!”

“Oookay…” I said to myself. “What’s your name?”

“Bryce!” Customer number one yelled at the top of his lungs.

“Okay, Bryce, you’re gonna be the very first person I sell Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows to.” I said, calmly trying to sort out his change from the register.

The guy was turning twelve shades of purple as he stared at the book in my hands. And then I finished the transaction, dropped the book into his waiting hands, and then winced as he whipped around and yelled, “YEAH!” to the crowd.

It was then that I knew…Jesus this is going to be a long night.

In short, Harry Potter night was one of the most eventful nights I’ve had since I got here. I got there at a quarter to nine, fifteen minutes before my scheduled shift. I had wasted about two hours getting ready. I didn’t even have a proper costume. I just came in a shirt, tie and pants, whereas all the other Muggles came in with costumes. There were kids in Gryffindor Quidditch uniforms, teenage girls sporting Gryffindor ties and plaid skirts…

It was about ten o’clock when a guy came up to me just as I was slumped over the counter. “Hi.” He said with a half-smile that I was instantly suspicious with. “Could I by some miracle get the last Harry Potter book right now? I’ll pay you 40 bucks to get it!” He said.

I laughed. This guy was nuts. “No,” I said. “We’re not allowed to give it out before midnight. And even then, you have to wait in line like everyone else.”

The guy made a face. “Oh come on. Please. You’re going to be my savior. Do this for me, please.”

I couldn’t believe this guy. He was cute, but I wasn’t going to give him the Harry Potter book before the rest of the world got theirs. “Sorry, man, I can’t help you. If I sold you the book, I’d get fired. And I don’t want to get fired for giving in to a complete stranger who wants to give me forty bucks.”

The guy sighed and then snapped back into persistent mode. “Oh come on. Okay, how about this;” He paused for dramatic effect. “I will marry you if you give me the book.”

Unbelievable! The guy was actually proposing marriage to me, a complete stranger, all for a Harry Potter book. “I’m too young to get married.”

The guy was starting to shake his head, the look on his face was a mixture of defeat and incredulity.

To make a really long evening short, we were at the store until 2 AM, selling the Potter books. I was so tired I couldn’t keep my eyes open. But then before I left I remembered that I was going to get my copy as well, so I eagerly paid for my deluxe edition and hurried home. I finished my book on no sleep at all before going back to work today at three o’clock. I was dead tired, but happy.

The end is finally here. It’s been 8 years since I first picked up book one. After reading the last book, it feels like I’m burying an old friend. But like all literary heroes, Harry Potter lives on even after the story comes to an end. I guess, so long, Harry Potter, and thanks for all the memories.

Dan Brown, you’ve just been owned

I rented this disc that is sort of the documentary debunking of Dan Brown’s deceptive best-seller, The Da Vinci Code. You all should watch it. It’s called The Da Vinci Code Deception. The experts in this documentary are whipping Dan Brown’s ass–with scholarly criticism no less! It was enjoyable to see just how stupid Dan Brown is in light of some of the many errors he made in the book he likes to think exposes the greatest cover-up in all of history.

Now, ladies and gents, I’d just like to say that if you read this book, you should know better than to submit your thoughts and ideals on faith to this English novelist who has no historical scholarship whatsoever, let alone art scholarship. I don’t think it’s fair that a faith and tradition that has been preserved for centuries and centuries can be questioned by some balding, insecure propagandist who’s probably just looking to rake in a couple million bucks so he can pitch some outrageous manifesto about how the Church has been lying to us all this time. Really, Dan Brown? What do you want for this, a medal? It’s already been done, Mr. Brown. You’re not exactly the pioneer of the Mary Madgalene-was-the-holy-grail-and-wife-of-Jesus lies.

Dan Brown is an English teacher. Is he really a reliable source for answers to religions’ biggest questions? I think not. You mean to say that the historians and art scholars who have devoted their lives to perfecting their craft and have researched thoroughly about these delicate topics are less reliable than an English teacher from New Hampshire? Do yourselves a favor, you guys, and read the books that turn Dan Brown’s outrageous ideas upside-down. Don’t take his side–yet–until you’ve learned the whole story. Read books like The Da Vinci Hoax and De-coding Da Vinci’s Code. Get some perspective. Don’t fall for Brown’s crap! Don’t be pawns in his little propaganda.

People give Brown credit for stirring up some good controversy. It’s good, because people are actually taking interest and talking about it. The bad thing is: Brown’s work is tantamount to blasphemy, brainwashing and just plain DECEIT. Here are a few things that show how Brown is so incredibly incompetent:

On the divinity of Jesus
In the Da Vinci Code, Brown says that it was Constantine the great who was responsible for deifying Jesus, and that prior to his rule, Jesus’ followers looked up to him as human. A prophet…but mortal, nonetheless. Once again, Dan Brown is sorely mistaken. Constantine never proclaimed that Jesus was divine, he simply converted to Christianity. He did not proclaim Christianity as a state religion, it was another dude who proclaimed it. In fact, there were like ten other guys who were non-Christians and who described Jesus’ followers as paying their respects to a divine god, a holy man. Note that these were non-Christians–men who actually didn’t get any credit for saying that Jesus was divine.

On the altering of the gospels by Constantine and the Dead Sea Scrolls
Brown says that Constantine took a bunch of chapters from the Bible and, thinking that this made Jesus look bad, decided to get rid of them. Ooh, really? Well, that’s where Brown is going mad. Constantine had no part in writing the Bible. The Bible was already written. He had no role in evaluating what did and did not go into the Bible, because there were certain scribes who were appointed to do those things.

The Dead Sea Scrolls, also known as the Gnostic gospels, were written 2 centuries after Jesus’ death, and were therefore considered LIES. Lies, okay? These gospels were the ones that said that Mary Magdalene was the sacred feminine and all the jazz. You see, in historical documentation, the earlier the document, the more reliable it is. How can we deem more reliable documents that were written two centuries after Jesus’ death?

Dan Brown also asserts that these Gnostic gospels were discovered in the 1950s (it was in fact, discovered in 1947. Maybe Brown liked rounding off numbers?). Also, Brown says the gospels are in scroll form. Well, honey, those were probably the wrong gospels because the actual gnostic gospels were in book form. Brown says there were 80 gospels, but in reality there are only 54. And only a couple of them were actually called gospels. The rest were probably cooking or laundry instructions.

Oh yeah, and Mr. Brown…The “scrolls” weren’t written in Aramaic. They were written in Coptic. There’s sort of a difference.

On Leonardo Da Vinci being grand master of a secret society called The Priory of Sion and Da Vinci’s hidden code in The Last Supper
Look, it was long exposed that The Priory of Sion was a hoax. The famous members that were said to have been part of this secret society, namely Victor Hugo, Sir Isaac Newton and Botticelli, were not members of the Priory because the founder of the society, some old dude named Pierre Plantard, just made them up! He thought, “hey let’s put a couple of famous gits on the list so the society’s cooler!” Idiot. Anyway, so there goes the Da Vinci being grand master of the Priory theory.

On Leonardo hiding secret codes in The Last Supper…Um…we don’t think so. You see, Leonardo liked making drafts of his work. He actually has sketches of his work which have labels about who he’s painting. He labelled the one seated next to Jesus as JOHN, not Mary Magdalene. Perhaps he was trying to evade future persecution and perhaps he didn’t wanna leave evidence and so he labelled the figure John? Um…no cigar. You see, Leonardo wasn’t a big fan of pagan stuff like the sacred feminine Brown asserts. Leonardo detested alchemy. The guy was a science and math genius! Also, before Leonardo died, he actually made preparations for a proper Christian burial, and he thanked three people before he died, all of which were figures of Christianity. Now, does that sound like a guy who had an agenda against Christianity?

Rosslyn Chapel
Rosslyn Chapel, the site for Brown’s conclusion of the Da Vinci Code, is not at all relevant to what Brown claims as The Knights Templar. The Knights Templar did not build this chapel, and there is no Star of David etched on the floor of the chapel.

Conclusion: Dan Brown must have been high when he wrote this book.

Just a thought to leave you with: Dan Brown made clear in interviews that this is the HIDDEN TRUTH and that he and his wife are art historians and painstakingly researched every detail. In fact the book has a statement in it that while the situations are made up, the research on the religious organizations and artwork is all fully authentic.

So, If Dan Brown is so smart, and his theories, and I repeat theories about Mary Magdalene, the grail and Leonardo Da Vinci are verifiable and true, how come he isn’t even able to get the dimensions of the paintings referred in his book right? After all, you can google the dimensions of the paintings. Well-researched? Ha.

Oh yeah, and something even more disturbing, what if Dan Brown’s best-selling novel was actually a product of some good ol’ plagiarism? Apparently Mr. Brown stole a bunch of stuff from a Mr. Lewis Purdue. Hahaha…pathetic.

Do yourselves a favor and research on this topic before you believe Dan Brown’s bull.

Dear Osama,

They want you dead or alive so the terror will stop. Well I wouldn’t know about that I mean rock n roll didn’t stop when Elvis died on the khazi it just got worse. Next thing you know there was Sonny & Cher and Dexy’s Midnight Runners. I’ll come to them later. My point is it’s easier to start these things than to finish them. I suppose you thought of that did you?

There’s a reward of 25 million dollars on your head but don’t lose sleep on my account Osama. I have no information leading to your arrest or capture. I have no information full effing stop. I’m what you’d call an infidel and my husband called working class. There is a difference you know. But just supposing I did clap eyes on you. Supposing I saw you driving a Nissan Primera down towards Shoreditch and grassed you to the old bill. Well. I wouldn’t know how to spend 25 million dollars. It’s not as if I’ve got anyone to spend it on since you blew up my husband and my boy.

Chris Cleave is a genius. Okay, so maybe all the authors I come across these days happen to be geniuses, but come on. There’s a lot of talent out there. Most of it from Britain, at least. Nick Hornby is one of them. So’s Chris Cleave.

Anyway, I just finished Cleave’s Incendiary, of which I took an excerpt from and have written above for all to see how from the opening lines of the book you are simply captured by the writer’s amazing grasp of the language. I don’t mean that Cleave dazzles with lots of big-sounding words or anything. I mean that the guy just knows what to say in order to pique your interest.

Okay, so maybe I bought the book on account of the title catching my eye. Incendiary. It’s my favorite word ever. Ever since I saw Almost Famous at least. So you know. It was that shallow an impulse to buy the book. Of course I gave the book a good once-over before buying, but as far as I can tell, it was pure impulse. I was never an impulse buyer. I take forever to decided on buying something. So this was one of those rare times.

Anyway, if those opening lines didn’t do anything for you, then I guess we’re in totally different places, you and I. For me, though, I love those opening lines. Before I buy a book, if it’s allowed, I read the first and last pages of the book. If I like the beginning and the ending, then I’m all for buying it. In this case, the ending was excellent. Classic. Memorable.

Buy the book. I highly recommend it. Trust me. I can recommend a zillion books, but this one is one of those books, you know? You read it and you still smirk. You still bite your lip from the frankness and the dry sense of humor.

In Incendiary, Cleave has a knack for chucking the reader around on an emotional rollercoaster ride. One moment you’re laughing, the next you’re filled with this overwhelming sense of dread and grief. It’s incredibly funny at once, then switches to sadness and rage all of sudden you won’t know what hit you.This is probably the only book that has license to fling you around like you’re a reluctant participant in some big, secret demonstration.

I’d also like to add that Cleave, like Hornby, can totally channel his inner woman. I mean, the main character here is female, and Cleave just makes you forget that he’s male. He’s like, in her shoes and throwing names like Fendi and Louis Vuitton like a regular Paris Hilton. Sure, the leading lady happens to be a tough chick with dry humor, but she’s so female it’s fascinating. Hats off to Cleave for that.

This book isn’t just for laughs or just for leisure. It makes you think. It paints a sordid image of the world we live in and mirrors society in a way that makes you gasp from the accuracy and the reality of it all. It isn’t a political rant that rambles on about what the right move is or what people in power did wrong. It isn’t using 9/11 or terrorism in general as mere material for book sales to soar. It’s an honest, open letter (fiction, I might add, although some parts may feel all too real and all too familiar to the reader) to a figure we have all come to fear, loathe and wonder about. It’s a piece that describes society to the last, minute detail and never wavers in its rampage to point the finger at the authorities, or bow its head in memory to victims of terrorism. It’s a book that should be read by everyone and anyone that has an open mind for a story of immense passion that borders on the…well. In a word, incendiary, I suppose.
I’m not particularly good at making reviews, but take it from me. This book is really good. I’m probably making Chris Cleave really happy right now for endorsing his book. Still don’t believe me? Here. Read for yourself. Don’t worry, I’m not giving anything away.

When I get out of prison Osama if you’re still outside too then I want you to come and live with me. Please don’t laugh please just think about it it could be a new start for both of us. We could get a decent place in the nice part of Hoxton or somewhere else if you prefer. Anywhere not too pricey would be all right although not South London if it’s all the same to you. Come out of your cave Osama and come to me I can’t hate you any more. I am weak from hate I don’t even have enough hate left to turn the little spark wheel on a Zippo. I know I’m just too stupid to know better but look at me. I’m like a broken juke-box the only tune I play is looking after my chaps. Won’t you let me play it?

I will comfort you when you have bad dreams at night. I will cook your tea just the way you like it. I will make our upstairs neighbours wish they’d never been born. I will try very hard to be faithful. I will hide you from the law and put all your CDs back in their right boxes with their labels facing front. We’ll make a new start the 2 of us. Everyone should be allowed a new start. Come on Osama my boy needs a dad and it’s about time you grew up too.

I’ve told you all about the sadness of bombs so now you must give them up. I know you are a clever man Osama much brighter than me and I know you have a lot of things to get done but you ought to be able to get it done with love that’s my whole point. Love is not surrender Osama love is furious and brave and loud you can hear it in the noise my boy is making right now while he plays. RRRR! RRRR! he says I wish you could hear him Osama that noise is the fiercest and the loudest sound on earth it will echo to the end of time it is more deafening than bombs. Listen to that noise Osama it is time for you to stop blowing the world apart. Come to me Osama. Come to me and we will blow the world back together WITH INCREDIBLE NOISE AND FURY.

And…more recently, I have discovered that they are making this into a movie! Woohoo! Great decision! So far the word is that Michelle Williams is going to star in it, alongside Ewan McGregor. It is helmed by Bridget Jones’s Diary director Sharon Maguire. The downside about this choice of director is it might be turned into a sappy, romantic comedy, which it most certainly is not, so I am hoping she does the book justice.

There and back again

I first picked up Tolkien’s masterpiece, The Lord of the Rings, when I was in the sixth grade. The book changed my life.

Unlike most people who start off the trilogy with The Fellowship of the Ring, I began with The Hobbit. Good move; considering that if I had started off with FoTR, I would never have gotten back to reading The Hobbit. Well, okay, so maybe I would have, but you get the idea. Reading the prequel to the trilogy was enough to spark my interest in Middle-Earth.

I have always been a fantasy fiction fan. I read Harry Potter in the sixth grade. I picked up Lloyd Alexander’s Prydain Chronicles right about the same time as well. I was always fascinated with faraway kingdoms, battle scenes and magical creatures. I dreamt of swordfights and princes on steeds; warlocks and talking animals. Flying broomsticks and games of Quidditch were all that occupied my mind.

When I got to FoTR, I was completely blown away. Only Tolkien could have orchestrated such an elaborate mix of events. The story kept me on the edge of my seat as I travelled with the Fellowship. I was with them every step of the way as they ventured from The Shire to the Prancing Pony. I was running with the hobbits as they fled from the Ringwraiths. I gazed in awe with the halflings as they arrived in Rivendell. And I bawled my eyes out when the gallant Boromir gave his life for Pippin and Merry.

I stayed up for three days, never getting a wink of sleep. I was determined to finish the trilogy and see what would befall Frodo and the fellowship. The Two Towers led me to a breathtaking new world that introduced me to one of my favorite characters in the story: Treebeard and the Ents. When I got to RoTK, I was egging the characters on; hoping against hope that they would prevail. I felt a surge of exhilaration when Eowyn plunged that sword into the Nazgul Lord. But I wept when Merry stood and crumpled to the ground right after. I don’t think I’ve ever cried more because of a book except for LoTR.

When I finished the trilogy, I felt exhausted–as if I had gone on that fateful quest myself. I felt as if I had befriended Gwaihir and the eagles and Tom Bombadil. I pitied Gollum/Smeagol, as if I had had misadventures with him. I cringe just remembering Shelob’s Lair, or the dreadful Wargs. I marveled at the Rohirrim’s bravery at Helm’s Deep, and fell in love along with Eowyn and Faramir at the Houses of Healing.

The book opened my eyes to a whole new world of magic. So it sounds cheesy, but this is the one book that I’ll remember had changed my entire life. I have resolved to name my daughter (if I ever have one, that is) Eowyn. I have decided to have the words embedded on The One Ring tattooed on my wrist. This is not a phase. Nor a fad that I will soon get over. I seriously turned partially Don Quixote with regards to this book.

I read The Silmarillion and further understood the ways of Middle-Earth’s folk. I resolved to learn Elvish, considering that I have a book about Tolkien’s languages anyway. I finished The Tolkien Reader and Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. I am currently delving into The Book of Lost Tales 1 because I have finally gotten my hands on it. I joined a messageboard community, for love of Tolkien’s work. I met a bunch of really cool people on that messageboard, too. People who shared my love for Middle-Earth.

You see, back then, no one had heard of LoTR. No one had even heard of Harry Potter. But then Hollywood saw it fit to intervene and bring these masterpieces to the masses…which just pissed me off. Of course, I was excited to see Peter Jackson’s interpretation of the book. I was curious to see who they would cast as Aragorn and Gandalf. I, along with the TORC (The One Ring.Com) community, waited in anticipation, for the three films.

Yes, I cried seeing FoTR. I guess I was just so amazed to see characters that I have long dreamed about come to life on screen. But then the movies became popular, and people picked up the book. Let me reiterate that half the female population who picked up the book after seeing the movies only did it because they swooned over Orlando Bloom (a.k.a. Legolas). Which I will say to them: fucking groupies.

I have gotten over my Harry Potter fanaticism, because it’s just gotten way too popular. I guess I like keeping things to myself. I’m an elitist when it comes to books, movies and music. So sue me. Anyhoo, so yeah. I’m going to continue ranting about those stupid LoTR groupies when I’m sedated. Just so I don’t risk sounding like an overhyped Jessica Zafra (oh, the shame!).